Bullies are better than you. For starters, you are just one person, while your bully is a spokesperson. Because everyone else agrees with them, about you. You – as a person – are worth less than them. Or maybe just worthless.
Hear this gaslighting message over days and weeks and you may start to believe it.
How bullying affects self-esteem
There are, of course, massive holes in a bully’s sales pitch. Firstly: they don’t speak on behalf of anyone speaking freely – they are surrounded by weakness. Especially on social media. Any cowards behind them are glad the attention is facing the other way, happy to compromise themselves – to nod along – for an easy life. Secondly, the bully may not even believe what they’re saying – you’re a convenient target for harmful words that make them feel in control. (Or maybe they’re just parroting someone else)
The attack looks personal but isn’t – see it for what it is.
Left uncorrected, though, repeated (false) messages harden into spurious facts, then become haunting memories. They provide the mind with (false) evidence that you are somehow less worthy than anyone else. Your sense of who you are… is somehow… “wrong”? How much you like yourself, trust yourself, believe in yourself (your self-esteem) starts to crumble. With it, your faith in your abilities and decisions (your self-confidence).
Recover self-esteem after bullying by looking before then
As children, our values, abilities and views develop into a sense of who we are, how we relate to others and what we have to offer. Self-esteem blossoms in these careful experiments. As an adult you may only have distant memories of this confidence – it can ebb away even without bullying. But bullying provides a massive knock.
Finding your way to recover self-esteem after bullying is an underdog story. A fight back. And it starts with a difficult question:
Are the bullies right?
The first question to ask yourself when being bullied: do you, on some level, agree with them? If they have somehow made you realise that you’d like to change something about yourself – why not do it? But do it for you, not for them. I’m not advocating the entire Cobra Kai philosophy, but having the strength to flip the script rather than hide away is always open to you.
If you don’t want to change, if you’re hearing a bully’s comments rain down day after day and simply letting them run off, then your self-esteem is already strong. Undoubtedly stronger than theirs.
Either way, if you’re committed to expressing yourself in a certain way, or there’s something you can’t change that defines you. Accept it. But also accept that it will draw attention. And that can be a very good thing.
I have always sounded quiet. Always. It made me different as a child. Being tall did, too – it literally made me an obvious target. Being committed to not throwing punches made me an easier one.
But being different, having a battle-hardened combination of physical and personality traits helped me later in life – oh yes. To recover self-esteem after bullying, your differences are your secret weapon.
A different point of view
Self-esteem comes from within, yes, but it’s influenced by the outside. It has to be. Just as children gain confidence from their peers, external validation at any age provides a massive boost to recover self-esteem after bullying. People who say “It doesn’t matter what people think” are naïve – of course it does – but the right people. The people you have esteem for, and confidence in.
Vive la differénce!
Later in life, colleagues, friends… girls described my quiet voice as soothing. They said they liked it, or loved it. Combined with being tall, I had this gentle giant thing going on – it defined an authentic, confident me.
Whatever your uniqueness is, wherever it comes from and however it displays itself, it’s there you will find your self-esteem. Possibly, probably, in exactly what the bullies take exception to – they are very good a spotting why people stand out. This is just one of the gifts that bullies give you (I’ll be writing more about these in the future).
This may sound like I’ve cracked it – like I’ve left the bullies behind. But I haven’t. I still hesitate before speaking to anyone new, I still picture the snarls on their faces. The memories occasionally push me away from social situations. Some days I fight, some days I don’t. But the point is my self esteem is better than it was, and it continues to improve, especially with every person I help through coaching.
Nurturing self-esteem
Here are some tips to help you recover self-esteem after bullying:
If you think you’re lacking self-esteem or self-confidence, it’s likely to be hiding in the qualities that make you you. Ask yourself : what are your qualities? Your values? What defines you?
Don’t hide. Never ever hide. I did. I shied away. I grew my hair. Wore a lot of black. Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel accepted, challenged and supported. Don’t be a supporting cast member – be the star of your own story.
Find a way to feel valued – volunteer, be helpful, spot pain in the world and relieve it. Finding a purpose is the easiest way to restore self-esteem.
Be assertive – show yourself that you’re strong and not weak – learn to say no. Fake it if you have to – you don’t need to be confident to be assertive, confidence comes afterwards. (Try it and see!)
The bully may have given you the chance to take stock – are you who you want to be? Embrace what you like, change what you don’t. You are in control. Not them. And from there you can find a way to kindle a confidence in who you are.
If you’d like to get in touch for some private one-to-one coaching around bullying please reach out for a chat.
John
(hello@wooltoncoaching.co.uk)
Dr John Ankers offers down-to-earth coaching for life and work. He specialises in working with academics and University teams. https://wooltoncoaching.co.uk
