There are nights when I just watch the clock in the dark. My family are asleep. The world outside is still, peaceful. So why am I not? I realise I’m waiting for something – apprehensive about something. But the week ahead is fairly clear. It’s not something in front of me, but decades in the past. I’m worried about going to school. |
It might feel ridiculous to acknowledge childhood bullying affects you decades later. It took me a while. As a coach, I want to save you that time. Here are a few ways I’ve learned to deal with the memories of being bullied:
Remember it’s not “you” who is being bullied
It’s likely that the bullying – whenever it happened – was left unresolved. There was no “George McFly moment” where you got to punch the bully and save the day. No closure. Just the passage of time and a scar that heals over but itches every now and then.
It’s not fair. Of course it isn’t, but the person you are now isn’t the person who was bullied then. You are more than you were – wiser, stronger, happier – but maybe you still have your vulnerable younger self with you.
The first step to letting go of these feelings (if you want to) is realising why you still carry the memories of being bullied (see below) and to accept that its likely the events were only “a big deal” for you. Reddit is full of accounts of bullies being confronted by their victims and having no idea of their impact, or being profusely apologetic. But this isn’t about them, it’s about you. You may never get closure. But you can move on, even without a Hollywood ending.
Understand why the memories of being bullied stay with you
Children soak up inspiration and experiences, shaping who they turn out to be. The people we surround ourselves with at a young age inspire the stories we write for ourselves.
Now consider what bullying does to a child finding their way. Perhaps it’s natural to assume we are not worthy and somehow inferior later in life, purely because these painful, repeated experiences became part of our stories at such a crucial time in our lives.
If you’re still holding on to that part of your story – ask yourself: does it serve you in some way? Is it useful? Does it spur you on at the gym? Or at work? Maybe it makes you ‘usefully angry’ (see below).
Balancing the powerful feelings that shaped a young you, and feeling their motivation now, can take time. Coaching can help to get to the bottom of what your story really is, which bits you want to rewrite, and what you’re going to do next.
Use the anger – and the empathy
My experience of bullying in school gives me two things: anger and empathy.
I used to dream of swinging a punch, like George McFly, just once. Forgetting I was a “good lad” and just letting it out. I never did. Today, my anger isn’t directed at the bullies from the playground – I’m not there anymore. Neither are they – they’re now teachers and doctors; they have families who are – I’m guessing – completely unaware.
No, I’m angry about bullying going on today. People haunted by memories of being bullied and not knowing how to move on, or still suffering gaslighting, discrimination and intimidation in work. Bullies still get away with it. I do a lot of work around stamping out bullying in academia.
Through coaching, I want to be an advocate for people dealing with bullying, in the present and the past. I’ve been there, and my empathy and determination drove me to train as a coach.
Look for hidden effects of bullying in your life
People who were bullied as children often develop personality traits. Some (*holds hand up*) struggle with people pleasing. A willingness to do anything for their family, friends and colleagues can lead to unequal relationships in life and work. Others find ways to feel more “protected” later in life – with muscles, or money, or social standing. Understanding these behaviours is a step towards accepting the way you are and drawing strength from your experiences.
There may be places you avoid going, people you avoid seeing, to avoid triggering strong emotions. Give yourself the freedom to let these pass without calling yourself “silly” or “stuck in the past”. You have come as far as everyone else your age, but your journey has been harder.
Lean in to love
Bullying is devastating because it isolates. It makes you feel alone in a crowd. Loneliness can have massive affects on health but you can battle it with a more powerful force: love. I don’t mean this to sound trite. Having love in your life, in whatever form it takes, is direct evidence (if you need it) that the bullies have failed. Spend time with people who value your company, who make you feel welcome and included. Love takes many forms – a group of friends who constantly wind each other up, your team, your children, your partner. Feeling worthy of love is the best “aggressive defence” against feeling of isolation from the past. Find a warm glow and head for it.
Talk it out
None of this is easy. It takes honesty, and courage. Make no mistake – deliberately facing feelings you may have buried is massively courageous. And sometimes its easier to be guided through your personal tangle of emotions and memories.
This is where coaching comes in.
I want to help you overcome the effects of bullying, in whatever form it takes. We might reassess your story, put the memories of being bullied into context and decide how you want to move forward. I’ll let you talk. Tell me your stories; I’ll tell you mine. We can take swipes at the air together. You may get angry, or tearful, but you will find peace of mind.
I’m not saying memories of being bullied won’t hit every now and then, but they might just remind you how far you’ve come. And if you’re watching the clock in the dark, it may bring you comfort to know you’re not alone.
If you’d like to get in touch for some private one-to-one coaching around bullying please do reach out for a chat.
John
(hello@wooltoncoaching.co.uk)
Dr John Ankers offers down-to-earth coaching for life and work. He specialises in working with academics and University teams. https://wooltoncoaching.co.uk
